Sunday, June 13, 2010

Crack Open a ...

...authored by mostly stupid people!

Of course I don’t mean you. The “mostly stupid people” I’m referring to would never read my blog. They’re too important, popular, and busy doing interesting stuff… like having a bowel movement, or defriending one of their kazillion close, personal Facebook friends.

Before you get all self-righteous and pissy, and start writing that derogatory comment about me being an ugly, fat hypocrite on my Facebook wall, I’d like to mention it’s not Facebook I’m criticizing. There are many things I love about it. Number one being my author page, which is the reason I signed up for Facebook in the first place.

After all, I’m a professional writer. Like most creative, artsy types, I have a love/hate relationship with writing. I have a talent for it, but it’s still work, and any mechanism that allows me to write only a sentence or two and call it a day---well, YAY!

Facebook makes it easy to post news, links, photos, media…it’s like having an informal blog.

It’s not Facebook I find annoying. Facebook overall is interesting and entertaining. Right? Well sure… as well as nauseating and mindlessly mesmerizing.

If you want to Crack Open a Book! Authored by stupid people, all you have to do is read Facebook. It’s like reading the tabloids while in line at the grocery store. I just can’t help myself.

Below are some of my favorite Facebook peeves. The names have been changed to protect the idiotic.

• Married couples who love each other. Not just once a year on their anniversary, but all the nauseating time. (Anyone besides me notice how the more a couple professes publicly the more apt they are to cheat privately?)

Sweetie Pie: I love my hubby. Last night was amazing.

Hubby: I love you more, Sweetie Pie. I’m the luckiest man alive.

Under this there are usually half a dozen likes and a couple of comments from people who need a life of their own.

What annoys me most about the FB Sweetie Pies is they actually live at the same address as their hubby. My husband and I live a few states apart and yet somehow we manage to communicate without making it a Facebook spectacle.

• Posts done in a tone to evoke you to worry, wonder, and keep you hanging.

Drama Queen: I know it’s only 9 a.m., but I could use a stiff drink and your prayers right now.

Then, ten posts later, after much cajoling from the comments section, you discover she’s upset because the doctor who injects her Botox is on vacation for a month or something equally heart wrenching.

• Posts broadcasting something a friend may want to remain private.

Best Friend to BFF: So how many cup sizes did your plastic surgeon say you could go up?

• Posts morons broadcast about themselves that should remain private:

Mr. Trophy Husband: (via Blackberry of course.) At the doctor’s office… getting my vasectomy reversed before my beautiful wife’s biological time clock runs out.

Comment: Maybe this time you’ll have some pretty children.

Let’s hope so because if they take after the parents we all know they’re going to be as dumb as dirt.

• Posts from people who need to learn to take the high road.

Pity Party: Poor, pitiful me. I’m so over this. One of my best friends had a party and didn’t invite me. Guess they didn’t think I’d see the photos on Facebook.

Comment: story of my life, I hate them too.

Before you post you might want to take a look at the event page. You were invited and if you were not, then let me give you the same advice my mama gave me. Never give them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you. It just makes you look pathetic. Throw your own party and/or go do something that they only wish they did.

• Posts from people who think the world revolves around them.

Ms. Self-absorbed: is wishing people would mind their own business, and quit talking about mine.

Note to Ms. Self-absorbed: We’re talking because you begged us to when you posted photos, events or comments of your pee-brained escapades on Facebook. Seriously, what did you expect?

• People over 12 years old who defriend their FB friends for no good reason.

Here are a few notable good reasons: You discover one of your FB friends has sent your husband an innuendo that implies she would sleep with him if asked. One of your FB friends was profiled on the evening news as a known sex offender/ murderer or something equally offensive. You discover that good looking, clean cut kid that you encouraged your daughter to date because he was so charming (kissed up to you) is not what he appeared and is stalking her.

Disagreeing with your FB friend’s foot-in –the-mouth comments, politics, religion, or the fact that all they do on FB is play senseless games or hit the like button on every ridiculous Facebook page --is not a good enough reason to defriend someone.

• Posts from people who do all the things I mentioned above.

Despite your faults, I haven’t defriended a one of you. You can bet I’m not going to either. You guys give me way too much to write about.

So you know here’s what I do love about Facebook:

• Reconnecting with old friends, colleagues, and former classmates.

• Keeping in touch with people I used to see on a daily basis, but now live thousands of miles away from.

• Notifications and updates about pregnancies, family members’ health, or any life-altering moment in the lives of people I care about.

• Vicariously peering into the lives of my FB friends that are doing something, funny, interesting, or remarkable that I would never have a clue about if it wasn’t for their FB posts.

• Getting a glimpse into the lives of my children and their friends.

• My author page.

Note to FB Fans: I’m sure you never post anything dumb. I’m talking about those other FB people.